The Prayer Journal

There is so much to this parenting thing. So. Much. Emotionally, psychologically, physically. Those that have gone on before me and their children are now grown...I admire you. You are my heros. Simply for surviving it alone. It matters not to me how your children turned out; I pat you on the back that they simply did turn out.
I find it easy to get caught up focusing on the "end result", that I fail to live in the here and now. And I think it's slightly naive of me to assume that the end result is solely dependant on how I raise them. Not only is it naive, it's actually downright egotistical. To be brutally honest. To think that I have the power to mold another human being into what I see as "good". I came to grips with a very important truth a while back in my parenting, and often feel the need to revisit such truth: Whom my children are and become is not a direct reflection of me. They are a creation of God's...each designed with different strengths and weaknesses. It is my duty to encourage those strengths, strengthen the weaknesses, and ultimately lead them to greater dependency on their Creator. It is not my job to perfect them. (Do I really want that job, anyhow?) This all may sound so very basic to some, but it has been a great challenge in my life to learn. Before I had children I vowed they would be well-behaved, self-disciplined, will-surrendered miniature people. (Doesn't leave much room for grace to abound, does it?) And mostly so that others could look at me and see what a good job I've done. That's painfully honest for me to admit. Disillusioned? You betcha. And extremely prideful to think that I could create such little creatures. (They don't really exist, anyhow. Trust me...I've worked with enough kids to know. They all have a little "monster" inside them.) How I ever expected such perfection from my own children when I am so greatly lacking myself is beyond me. Ignorance? Naivety? Pure stupidity? Yes. Yes. And yes. To all the above.
I am often reminded that my children will one day become independent of me for their accountability and more dependant on God. I'm learning I shouldn't point out every single minute wrong-doing...the Holy Spirit is increasingly stepping into their lives. Obtaining a more predominant role. Sometimes I need to step aside and let Him work His magic. It actually is so very amazing to stand back and see the bigger picture sometimes. Last night I was cleaning the counter top and found a notebook opened. I thumbed through it to figure out just where it ought to go. Turns out it was my oldest daughters prayer journal. Now, before you give me credit, allow me a disclaimer: I do not make my children do things of such spiritual nature. Nor do I guilt them into it. We struggle with each and every one in several different ways. They are quite imperfect, but I love them incredibly...as will I love whomever they become. (Is there not a better picture of Christ's love for us?) They may be little monsters at times, but it does this mom's heart good to see a tenderness to the Lord. Even a hint of spiritual maturity. And not because I said so, or because I suggested it, but because their hearts are turned to tune Him in. I wasn't even aware of this prayer journal. I found an entry from a year ago this summer:

Dear God,

Please make the bunnies like each other. Cocoa (one of our bunnies) has taught me how mean I've been to Jilly. I get it now. Help me to get good grades in school and to have a good attitude. Help the garden to grow the rest of its veggies. Thanks for giving me a mom who I can trust what she says. Help me to be wise with money.

(Is it any wonder where she got her ability to randomly ramble from? And if you're wondering...the answer is "yes"; my own prayers do sometimes jump all over the place like that as well.) At the time she wrote this, we had just separated our female rabbits due to the fact that one was picking on the other terribly. Who knew that God would take that one, seemingly unimportant event to speak to my little girls heart? It just so happens He's a far better teacher and parent than I. Who knew, eh? (Insert sheepish grin here.) But what a reminder for me. That the weight of responsibility as a parent isn't solely on Hub's and my shoulders. We truly aren't in this alone. It's quite ignorant and prideful of us to assume so. Left to ourselves, we sure could make a big mess of this parenting thing. Not that we haven't in some ways already. It sure takes a huge burden of weight off when I remember that we have an advocate whom is also working...quietly at the task of training our girls' hearts.
I just might make it through the next upcoming, challenging years. I think. And hope. And pray.(Fingers tightly crossed.)