Sentiments of Love

Upon retiring to bed last night, Hubs and I found this waiting for us... (pull your spectacles out)

Which, of course, was the best Valentine's gift. Ever. Possibly even the best gift we've received ever. You'd have to understand the poet to understand why.

Our first born child is, always has been and probably always will be our strongest willed child. I'm told every family needs one. Which I think is a myth that must be debunked. However, from toddler-hood on we knew she would be our biggest challenge. I had never, ever experienced first hand a strong-willed child. Being a passive, submissive child myself it has taken me the longest time to comprehend her personality. In the past utter frustration would consume me and from the time she was four until the age of eight I cried almost daily. Seriously. Not stretching the truth even a tiny bit. Just ask Hubs. The poor fella. It's nothing short of a miracle that he agreed to have more children. The biggest problem during those years was my lack of adaptation. In pure ignorance, I truly believed with my whole heart that children become what you raise them to be. And I foolishly felt that they were a direct reflection of me and my parenting skills. And so, believing those things to be true, I viewed myself a complete and utter failure as a parent. In my personal insecurity discipline was in over-abundance and love, sympathy and grace were lacking. I equated stern discipline with love. Funny how children never see it that way. Nor do I believe it is an example of what Christ lived out. Little did I know I was fueling that strong-willed girls fire rather than learning how to dampen it. The short of it all....I was an ignorantly lacking parent that had a lot to learn. I'm pretty sure that fact still holds true today, but the more I travel this path of parenting, and the closer I rely upon God for direction; the clearer things become. (It it terrible that my oldest child is only eleven and already I'm saying the "If I could do it over again's?" Even then, I'm fairly confident I still wouldn't get it right...) It's actually a bit ironic that in trying to break this girl's will I became more broken myself.

She and I have had many emotionally explosive confrontations...but all have been followed up with tears of forgiveness and healing words of love. We understand one another's frustrations with each other. We are aware of our differences and yet our stubborn similarities. I try my hardest to be honest and up front with my children regarding my own struggles as an adult and as a parent. With careful discernment, of course. There's something so very healing for her when she is able to see humility pouring from me. That I don't always do things right or have all the answers. It has not by any means been easy to get to that point. And I often take two steps backwards. Pride is one of those traits that is so painful to put away, and yet when you do there is an absolute freedom. I'm learning her heart and striving to be what she, as an individual needs. And in all honesty, it's not an easy job. There are days where it's just too much work...and if I received just one more eye roll I'd throw the towel in. But then there are moments where I'm reminded just how very important it is to her. That I hold the precious keys to her heart; and if I'm not careful she will change the lock and not invite me in. Receiving that poem last night was one of those moments. And it is a poem that I will cherish forever.

This girl is such a precious gift from God...strong-will, out of control emotions and all. In the short eleven years of raising her I have learned far more from her than she has of me. I have gone from being stubborn and prideful to completely broken and in need of direction from God. As a mother daily leading her children, I can think of no better place to be.

P.S. On a lighter note...a follow-up from yesterday's poem about Hubs: I found chips in the fridge that he left after lunch. I'm not even kidding, folks...Does anyone else's husband do these things?!