What If...

Hubs and I had a completely random, rather brief discussion on this topic earlier today. I believe we were both in the bathroom, jointly preparing ourselves for the day. I think it was the Duggar show that my girls were watching that brought about our conversation. (As a side note...I absolutely find them fascinating and intriguing. Any parent of 19 children, whom seldom gets their feathers ruffled or panties in a knot simply amazes me. My not so frequently used uterus stands and applauds.) Apparently my girls find them fascinating as well. They love that show, and since we've been house sitting they've been able to watch it. In fact, my ten year old informed me this morning that she wakes up at 6:55 AM every day so that she doesn't miss it. Obsessed? Quite possibly.

Anyway, back to my bathroom talk. After watching this reality show for a few days it got my little brain to thinking....which then led to our "what if" discussion. Past what ifs. What if our little family began with no limits on controlling how many babies we had? I wonder how many God would have blessed us with? (Yes, folks, I did say "blessed"...why is it that we think a lot of children is a curse?) I wonder if I would be sitting here typing with nine little ones running around? (Chances are good that if I had nine kids I wouldn't have time to be sitting here typing. Or sitting at all, for that matter.) What if we had never met? What if we were raised differently? What if we had no children? What if I chose a career? All those questions led to the present what ifs. What if we gave God back control over particular areas of our life? What if He should happen to move us? What would happen if we were more open to God's will rather than our man-made plans? What if What if...what if....WHAT IF?! You can literally exhaust your brain. Now, I don't think it's healthy to sit and ponder the past in pity. The past won't change. But sometimes pondering the past is healing. It helps us understand ourselves and why we behave the way we do. It can help orchestrate our future choices. And sometimes reality just stares you in the face as you see who you've been and who you're becoming. In contemplating the past, you can't help but contemplate the future. The two go hand in hand. In looking at who I've been, I recognize a common pattern. I've tried so hard to control circumstances around me that sometimes I've missed blessings along the way. All my ducks in a row. Chickens counted before they hatched. "i"s dotted and "t"s crossed. Get what I mean? That's how life for me had to be in my young adult years. And when I say "had to be", I'm not exaggerating. I always had to have a plan, to know what was coming, to be in control. I made a plan and stuck to it. I never even questioned the "what ifs", because it was unsure, unstable....uncertain. And it often meant change. And change brings a whole new list of things to worry about. But now...I'm not so sure. I think I'm slowly changing. Adapting. I find myself being more open to things I wasn't before. To exploring the possible "what ifs" in order to be flexible for the future. (Am I too young for a mid-life crisis?)
I must say...I rather like the new me that I'm becoming. My body and mind thank me for my newer, less stressed, go with the flow kind of perspective. There's just a freedom in letting go. In allowing room for God to take the wheel of this ship, and do with it what He wants. Even if it's not what I think I'd like. Bondage to fear is replaced with peace. Calm. Life is too short to be consumed with the past "what ifs"...I'd much rather focus on the possible "what ifs" that are to come. I just wanna relax and enjoy the ride.