Due to my recent abundance in posting, one could easily come to the conclusion that I am going through Facebook withdrawl. And I just may have to agree. Habits are not easily broken.
I spent four and a half hours today being a good mom. (No comments, please...) Early this morning I got up and ready and drove my daughter to her ATV safety course. She has reached the ripe age of ten, which our state law has decided is an appropriate age to let children loose on the ATV trails, with an accompanying adult, of course. (Does that not put fear into anyone else, other than myself?) But they must first complete a safety course. A very long seven and a half hour course. One in which parents are required to stay for. Hubs and I had a brilliant idea. We would take shifts. Neither one of us really have the patience nor desire to sit all day listening to lectures. I have no idea why they think a child does. I had first shift. I really hate to stereotype, so I won't. I will just be perfectly honest. The looks of this classroom of people absolutely tickled my funny bone. I will try to sum it up in one word.....hmmm.....let's see....the word I shall pick will be.....ah, yes...."hick". Out of fear of offending too many people, I shall leave it at that. But, oh, I could dive much deeper. As strong as the urge is, I won't. I would feel far too convicted.
Like I said, I had first shift. It made for a long morning, but I actually learned some things. Like how to actually use a compass. I mean really use one. Not just play with it and watch the needle spin and the bubble move around. I just may purchase me one in case I happen to get lost in Walmart. Then the kind gentleman (bless his soul) tried to teach the class how to use a compass in conjunction with a paper map. I had no idea the two had any relation. He was using all these fancy, shmancy terms, and giving us instructions. He could have been telling me how to speak Chinese, for all I know. He must have read the utter look of confusion on my face, because twice he asked me if I understood. I smiled and nodded politely. I'm pretty sure he was onto me. While he continued his deep lecture on compassing a map (I think that's what it was about), I started up a little humorous lecture of my own at our tiny table. It involved something about Rock Snot...a term I found in one of the twenty pamphlets they handed out. The kids around me loved it. I had to stop after a while, though. I noticed they were paying much more attention to me than to the instructor. Parents were beginning to look.
We also learned a whole slew of survival techniques. Which got me to thinking. I just may start a new reality show of my own. "Woman vs. Wild". Novel idea, don't you agree? I let my mind drift there for a while and conjured up a whole slew of scenarios that would entertain people for hours on end. But I came back to reality quickly when I realized that the instructor was then teaching the children how to start a fire. A fire. That burns. Everything it touches. Seriously? Last I remembered, Smoky the bear was teaching kids that it wasn't good to start fires. And then the teacher informed the class that he would let them start fires on their own later in the day. All the ten year old boys' eyes lit up like Christmas morn. I'm a little bit frightened where that may lead.
With one nifty little compass exercise, he rather quickly showed us how to find our way out of the woods if we should happen to become lost. I found it enlightening, but couldn't quite keep up. I may have possibly still been daydreaming about the money I'd make on my new reality tv show. When it was review time, he asked, "So, can anyone tell me what to do if you're lost in the woods?" I whispered to the little girl beside me, "Sit down and cry." "Sit down and cry?" she asked. "Yes, sit down and cry." I hope she doesn't get lost anytime soon. I would feel slightly guilty.
The local ATV club kindly provided a lunch for us. How sweet is that? I wrote their address down and made a mental note to self to send them a thank you card. I had chips, water and a bologna salad sandwich. Yeah, you heard me. It was a new concept to me, too. I've had egg salad, ham salad and tuna salad sandwiches. But never, in my thirty-three years of existence have I ever even heard of a bologna salad sandwich. My taste buds were opened up to a whole new experience. It actually was quite good.
I was understandably happy when hubs came and we did the whole changing of the guard thing. The instructor looked somewhat relieved that I was leaving, and the other parents were insanely jealous of the whole "shift changing" concept Hubs and I came up with. It's a beautiful day out today, and it almost seemed sinful to be trapped in a black fly infested room with the odor of bologna, egg and tuna lingering. I happily traded children with him and found my way back home. Without a compass, even.
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