Finding "Me"

I thought about titling this post "Getting My Mojo Back". But that just sounded wrong. And I'm not fully clear on just what "Mojo" is, anyhow.
But either way...I'm slowly finding "me" again. I was unaware that I was lost...but it's true. The past almost-ten-months have been a whirlwind of chaos. Beautiful chaos, but chaos all the same. I have been so preoccupied with simply "doing", that "being" has been almost impossible. In the eye of the storm is precisely where "I" drifted off...and somehow got lost. I temporarily forgot how to enjoy the art of cooking, the beauty of reading and the ability to be passionate about anything non-baby related.
Am I the only one whom this has happened to?
With each and every babe this body has birthed, I have temporarily lost "me". It's easy to get wrapped up in the chaos of caring for another life. It takes a crazy amount of work to care for even just one baby. Night and day; day and night kinda work. (Can I get a witness?) And in that phase of life, due to various reasons, I chose the road less traveled. I accepted the loss of "me", knowing at some point I would eventually get my groove back on. I opted out of baby-sitters and day care. I chose to spend every waking (and sometimes sleeping) hour watching my babies grow. Weird, I know. But I'm okay with my weirdness. (I'm quite comfortable in it, actually.) It was a small sacrifice I chose to make. Not that I didn't have my moments. When I had my first baby I went through a mini-melt-down. I was working full-time prior to her arrival. I was just finding out whom I was as an adult; and figuring out what my gifts and talents were. I wasn't good at cooking; I detested housekeeping; crafts and decorating were scant; there was nothing domesticated about me, really. (Why did Hubs choose me, again?) When I pictured what life would be like after her birth, somehow I envisioned stay-at-home motherly bliss.  Restful days, lying in bed snuggling; a spotless house and bread baking in the oven. And when she arrived, the bundle of screams and demands that she was, my visions of bliss were dimmed. I cried, the house was a disaster, and the only bread baking in the oven was by Pillsbury. My body was a postpartum train wreck. I was a mess. Literally and figuratively. I grew resentful. I felt undervalued, unappreciated and unprepared. How could I not be good at this whole stay-at-home wife and mother thing...it's what I wanted to do......right?! My social life collapsed, my spiritual life suffered, my confidence was shaky (at best) and I came to one conclusion: I had utterly and completely lost myself. In fact, I wasn't really quite sure about who I was in the first place. Or even whom I ought to be, for that matter.
Fast forward ten years. And two more babies later. There's a funny thing about time...it has a way of teaching and revealing. I slowly grew into "me". I learned I loved to cook. I adore entertaining guests...even if I lack all the proper etiquette-ish skills. Turns out farming is my thing, too. And a bit of crafting. I have even sewed some in my time. I also happen to really enjoy writing...even if I do make up words, or use them in ways they ought not to be used. And decorating...I have bins of seasonal decor in my basement that we haul out for every holiday. I love, love spritzing up the house for different celebrations. See? Bits and pieces here and there of "me" that I've picked up...and in the midst of raising all these kiddos.
Now...rewind just a tad prior to these cute little twinsy boys of ours. Life was...well...easy. To be honest. Time was a luxury that I took full advantage of. Lazy summer days on the lawn swing while watching the girlies play. Planting a garden and watching it grow. A clean house. Bike rides into the sun set. Time to work on scrapbook projects. Planning next years crop.  Mowing the lawn on warm, sunny days. Seriously...I was as content as I could be. I had truly found the stay-at-home motherly bliss that I was so sure existed. I was so incredibly grateful for it. Then our world was blessed with baby boy-joys. When they were tucked safe inside my womb, I knew that our lives were going to drastically change. I mentally prepared to give up some of "me" again. I learned from the first three rounds that it was inevitable. And wholeheartedly, I was okay with it. It was a process, and it was a phase. A small little chunk in the overall timeline. I chose to see it as a new normal instead of a set back. And you know what? That mind set works so much better. I lost a bit of "me"...but found a bit more of "me". I've never been stretched like I have the past several months. Cooking has turned back into necessity rather than enjoyment. Housekeeping has lacked. I've compromised on hobbies I love. Keeping in touch with friends and family has been effort. The grace and patience that was once so easy to give has had to be more intentional instead of natural. Stress and schedules have laid claim on me. But yet I've also learned something. I'm far more capable of things I never thought I was. I'm humbled at what God thinks I can handle. (Although I have sarcastically questioned Him from time to time.) The "me" that I thought I was losing was actually just changing and growing. Adapting to a new set of circumstances.
It occurred to me this week. The boys were having a nice, long nap and I borrowed that time to bake the girls a snack. I found myself humming. (Something I just do. Often, in fact. It can be annoying to those around me at times. I come by it honestly...my mom is a hummer as well.) I haven't hummed in months. Probably about nine months. My brain is usually too busy assessing and organizing more important tasks. But that day...I was humming. I was actually enjoying baking again. I was content. Just "being" instead of "doing". I stopped right in my tracks, shocked. I grinned, all to myself, at my earth-shattering awareness. Hot dang, Rachael...there you are. You found yourself again. Somewhere along the craziness of double-the-babies I lost touch of the part of "me" that is able to just simply be. Having it back felt oh-so-good. And every day I'm finding more and more pieces of "me". I look forward to my full return.
Welcome back, Me.