Reset

I have been working on this particular post for a while. Typing. Deleting. Re-typing. Thinking. When I began blogging three years ago I purposed to be transparent. Honest. Raw. A bit vulnerable, even. Which is often hard for me to do. I've worked years at reprogramming my brain that vulnerability does not equate weakness.
Life and it's circumstances have a way of exposing some of our deepest insecurities and our biggest struggles. For life is never constant. Things are always morphing and changing. Some days are full of rhythm, moments methodically blending in harmony. Other times days are choppy, rugged and raw; void of rhythm and writhing in chaos.
I find myself in the latter of the two lately. For the past eight months, to be more specific. And I know it's temporary. And completely situational.
These days it's hard to focus on little else except diaper changes, dirty laundry, paying bills and schooling children. With the addition of two more I find that my role as a mother has also increased two-fold. (What a profound thought!) It's demanding and consuming, leaving little time for anything else. Hobbies I once enjoyed are back-burnered. Staying in touch with friends and family takes effort. Time is precious and often each and every minute of my day is accounted for.
I say all that not to complain, for the upside is the five precious lives that I've been gifted with. I know there are many a woman out there whose hearts beg to know the busyness of raising children. I am blessed. And grateful. The difficulty lies in the guilt that I'm often left with about just how much my life in the present often revolves souly around me and my little world. My social side starves a little. Living in the moment becomes work. Slowing is almost impossible. And that makes me edgy. And short. On both love and grace. The ones I love get less than my best.
I'm feeling challenged.
Stretched.
Tired. Mentally, oh-so-tired.
Somewhat defeated at things that were once so easily conquered.
Frustrated...that I simply cannot be all things to all people.
I'm weakened. And fragile.
All because of one little season. One very short phase in life. Which just so happens to be the last time I'll experience this season...I know I shall miss it when it's gone. The busy, craziness. The constant chatter. Five mouths to feed, life lessons to teach, and love languages to speak. With my whole heart, I love being known as "mom". But balance is delicate. Being everything to everyone, and doing it well takes effort. Sure, I've been in this season of life before. Three times before...one would think I was a pro by now. But this two-babies-at-a-time thing...surely is has put a new spin on motherhood altogether. I find myself often in survival mode. Robotically going about the day with the soul purpose of getting things done. Interruptions to the schedule are the norm. Babies whom nap well randomly go on sleep-strike. Hormone-fueled teenager laughs with me me one minute, then switches moods on a dime. Milk is spilled. Fights break out. And dinner needs to be made....
Then a little pair of brown eyes beg, "Mom...can we play a game together?" And I'm reminded that my survival mode was switched "on" again. Guilt sets in. The mom I grew to be...carefree, lavish with time, looking for opportunities, intentional with love...is absent. I am now a clock-watcher. A strict scheduler. It is so difficult for me to reconcile the mom I had learned to be with the mom that I'm able to be at the present time. I try hard to remind myself to bathe this human flesh in grace....I cannot, simply CANNOT be all that I would like to be right now. I can only do what I can do. But....
I know I can do better.
My children need "better". They need me here...present and in the moment with them. Hugging them. Surrounding them in love and patience...no matter what season I happen to be in. They know little about the work it takes to raising children, and they care not about the daily stresses that try to invade my peace. They just want me.
I will not be perfect. I will not always be patient. I will miss the mark...again and again. I will feel guilt. I will taste success. I will forever from here on out be pulled, stretched and shared amongst the six people whom I adore the most.
But my heart will seek to be thankful, joyful and at peace. As I grow I will no doubt learn balance.

I adore the New Year. It's a reset of sorts. A fresh, new start. I have learned over the years that resolutions based on will-power never, ever work for me. Resolutions, bathed in prayer, are much more effective. And so.....

"Dear Father,

 I so crave to be the mom and wife that this family needs.

 Stretch me. Pull me. Mold me.

But whisper in my ear that You're with me.

Less of me. More of You."