For My Valentine...

This past Valentine's Day marked a whopping total of twenty Valentine's Days that Hubs and I have shared together. (It took me a while to do the math. I was in disbelief, so I did that math twice.) That sounds kinda crazy, if you ask me. I'm not even sure how or where the time has gone...

To celebrate, we did all our annual traditions. The kids always wake up to yummy treats awaiting them on the dining room table, and we always celebrate a lunch full of love. For dinner Hubs and I sneak away to a room in our house that he prepares for a "dinner out" together, while the girls entertain a dinner full of rowdy toddler twin boys. This year he supplied Chinese food. He knows the way to my heart...

 I found great enjoyment in digging up old love letters from 1995/1996...when Hubs and I were in the courting process. The girls were entirely grossed out with our gushy-mushiness. I thought it was beyond cute. Poems, words of encouragement, little jokes...it all serves as reminders of the days which we intentionally and sometimes painstakingly sought each other's attention and affection. And. I was sure to rub the following love note in Hub's face. A letter from him...stating that he thought it was a good idea to have, and I quote, "lots" of kids together. Ha. Ask and you shall receive, Love. "Lots" you got.

As I was sorting through these notes, letters and small token gifts of love...it got me to thinking. Thinking about the past twenty years...where we've been, where we're at, and where we're going. People undoubtedly change over time. Circumstances and life in general has a way of changing and molding us. None of us are precisely the same as when we began our journeys together. It's just the way things are. But. There's some things that maybe should never change: the desire and intensity to win our love's heart and the amount of energy and enthusiasm we expend in learning one another. I, for one, am guilty of growing slack over the years. Looking back over our words to one another...we were exceptionally well at communicating. Phenomenal, in fact. Our thoughts, our dreams, our hopes and fears. It's all there as proof. But...through the years, something happens. Life happens. Babies are born and demand first place priority in our lives for a season. It's near impossible to avoid. And then more babies come, and fill a new priority position. We relearn ourselves as parents, relearn each other in this new partnership as parents. Time goes by. Parents grow weary. Life get hectic. Stressful. Exhausting and messy. And...we slowly give up. It's not any less love...it's often just less love put in action. And, as much as we KNEW this was a potential problem, as much as we SWORE we wouldn't let it...it happened. You know the scenario no one wants to be faced with: if your child and spouse are drowning, who do you save first? We all actually choose. On a regular basis, in fact. There's been times where I've seen my husband going under, so to speak, and I've selfishly chosen to not have enough energy, time or patience to come to his rescue. (I'm too busy taking care of all these kids and their problems, after all...) If we're honest about it, to some degree or another, we've all chosen the same. Or over time we allow hurts and resentments to gradually accumulate until bitterness seeps its way in...when communication could have dissolved everything. Having a family definitely tugs and stretches your capacities to be all things to all people. With each child I've felt that tug and stretch just a little bit more. But I must shamefacedly admit that I'm guilty of giving up too soon. Of not fighting for the things I know are important within this beautiful union called "marriage". I'm just a woman. A woman with a lot of responsibilities. But...a woman with definite misguided priorities. So I'm learning.
When I sat on our bedroom floor, reading through so, so many letters of love...it occurred to me. THIS is the marriage I want. Not necessarily the breathtaking romance and endless hours of eye-googling. (Seriously...who has time for that?) Not even the meaningful poetry or flattering words. I want the honesty and sincerity. The deep trust and loyal friendship. The communication and attentiveness. And these aren't the just things I want of my husband...these are the things I want to give to my husband. What I bring to the table matters.
I want a reset. A new beginning. Because somewhere along the way...with the increasing demands and pressures of every day life, my focus became slightly blurred. But, after seeing those letters..things are starting to look a little clearer again...