Giving It All Away

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does 
not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking,
it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not
delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, 
always trusts, always hopes, always preserves. 
I Corinthians 13:4-7

The past year has brought much reflection on what "love" is. And I've come to some pretty solid conclusions:

We all want desperately need to be loved.
Oh, and also - I'm incapable of loving precisely how Christ loved. (But shhh...I'm trying to keep that on the down-low. People might find out.)

Every human I know is walking around deficient in this I Corinthians 13 kind of love. Likewise, every human I know is incapable of giving out this kind of love in full capacity. We all experience love, yet we all still feel the lack. And the harsh reality is: When it comes to love and relationships, we all have unmet expectations. Each of us know the disappointment. Which, I suspect, is where all of our heart's hurts come from...imperfect love.

My whole life I've carried with me an inner, deep hurt brought about from this deficiency. My earliest relationships are those of dysfunction, loss and rejection. I've found various remedies through the years mask the pain from those deep hurts - some good, some not so good - but the hurt always seems to find its way to the surface. The shifting of life's seasons lately has uncovered my weakness in this area - forcing me to reckon what I know to be true with how my feelings betray me. In the process of allowing myself to face some hard things, I've discovered one incredible, simple solution: Giving to others what I desire for myself is medicine to my soul. It is a spiritual, supernatural, healing process. I've become so good at self-protection that to give away what I long for has been contradictory to me.  It's almost holy when I do, though, for it is God at work in and through me. It truly is not of me. And yet...there's still part of me that I know is always holding back. Self-protection instincts are incredibly strong. Sometimes involuntary. 
Recently I've had to do hard things. I've had to face several of my hurts head-on. I didn't ask to - God presented it to me and then comforted my soul with reminding me that I was created for hard things. Restoration with those whom have wounded you deeply (even if they're unaware of it) is hard. Granting forgiveness without being asked for it is no easy task. That's heart-deep business. (Anyone can fake it, but authentic forgiveness looks quite differently than simple obedience.) And I won't sugar coat it - I wrestled with God over and over again about it. Vulnerability often feels like weakness. (I'm not fond of that feeling.) Yet His reply is always the same:

If you try to hang on to your life, you will lose it.
But if you give up your life for my sake, you will save it. 
Matthew 16:25

I have hung on to this false hope, this unmet expectation of not being hurt for so long that I fear there's a part of my life I have lost in the process. I'm certain there are relationships I've damaged because of it. My relationships aren't as full as they could be because of it. But as I give up this aspect of my life; as I allow myself to be more vulnerable for the sake of becoming more like Christ, I'm discovering redemption. 
The culture we live in advocates for self. It's embedded deep within our DNA to put ourselves first. It's the reason why mankind has fallen, countries have crumbled and societies struggle. It's why social media has been a raging "success". We are all hanging on tight to our lives. Living them for ourselves. Displaying them proudly like trophies for the world to see. We are self-absorbed creatures. Every thought we think and action we have is linked to directly to how it will affect "me". I know this to be true even within the deepest parts of my own heart. 
Yet, this is the very reason Christ came. 

The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may 
have life and have it to the full.
John 10:10

When Jesus came to this earth, he lived radically different. He lived outside the space of time, logic and human reasoning. He wasn't a product of his culture, He was a product of his Father...something entirely different. Otherworldly. He lived contrary to this world's standards...he lived by Kingdom standards. He showed us that we can have life "to the full". Abundant. And we didn't have to wait until heaven - we could possess it now.
And the world listened to His words, watched his works and marveled.

Whoever slaps you on your right cheek, turn to him the other also. 
And if anyone wants to sue you and take your shirt, let him have your coat also.
If anyone forces you to go one mile, go with them two.
Give to those who ask, and don't turn away from those who want to borrow.
You have heard the law that says, 'Love your neighbor and hate your enemy'.
But I say, love your enemies, bless those that curse you, do good
to them that hate you, and pray for them that spitefully use and persecute you.
In that way, you will be acting as true children of your Father in heaven. 
For HE makes His sun rise on evil and good, and HE sends
rain on the righteous and unrighteous. 
Matthew 5:39-45

Choosing to give all of myself away and letting God determine the outcome? Radical. By giving away, I gain. My brain struggles to comprehend this. Even within our Christian cultures this kind of living is radical. Self-preservation is subtly deemed acceptable. But when I look at the life of Christ...when I read His many, many words of what He has actually called us to...I can't escape they underlying message: Give it all away. I read those verses over and over, again and again and this radical way of thinking gets me to wondering...What if? 
What if everything we have, we were meant to give away? Our time, our talents, our resources, our love. (Are they really even ours, anyway?) What if we gained far more than what we lost? Do we trust Him to be faithful and true? Do we really trust? Or are we so self-reliant that we hold back just a little, just in case our lingering suspicion that He can't really be trusted is correct? 

Taste and see that the Lord is good;
blessed is the man who trusts in Him! 
Fear the Lord, you his holy people, for those
who fear him lack nothing. 
Psalm 34:8,9

Once you taste the goodness of God, any goodness you seek of any other human pales in comparison. In fact, in Him I am complete. Lacking nothing. Therefore, if I have Him - I have everything. I need not man's approval, acceptance or love. (I only perceive that I do.) Therein is abundant, full life. So....what have I got to lose? 

I can give it all away.  The most important part of me, I can never lose. It's radical.