I mean, I embrace every new stage and always have found milestones a thing to be celebrated...
But deep, deep down inside, I kinda just want them to stay little, stay home and stay with me. Like forever would be awesome.
But. I know that growing up is a part of life. That each new stage we enter is one step closer to building their independence. That ultimately, the goal in parenting is to prepare them to embrace lives of their own, apart from us. It's healthy and proper, this coming-of-age-independence. Yadda, yadda, yadda....
The past few weeks our "baby" girl has been taking her drivers education coarse. She delayed it for a while (she could have begun the process almost a year ago), seeing no need to ever drive, and I was perfectly okay with that. But then, Daddy urged that it was perhaps soon time. (He's far better at the whole letting go thing than I.) And our girl expanded her vision and determined that in the future she probably will be desiring such freedom. And so I agreed.
When Hubs dropped her off that first day, I'll admit...I was kind of sentimental. I'm wired funny like that. You know that commercial where the toddler sits in the car, the dad blinks and she's a teenager asking for the car keys? Yah. I had that on replay in my subconscious the whole day. I mean. Seriously. Where DID all that time just go?
I continually yearn for mulligans. I'd like to just go back and have one final do-over, if that's okay. Because, in so many ways, I feel like I'm only just beginning to learn what it is to slow and savor while time around me goes whirling by. Too fast. Far too fast. I'd like just one more day to sit her on my lap and read story after story after story. To sneak into her bedroom and inhale her newborn scent. To rub her forehead and whisper love songs while she drifts off to sleep. Those. Those are the moments I've let slip right through my fingers in my haste for "the next thing". In my stress of preparing the next meal, paying the next bill, cleaning up the next mess...I missed many of the fleeting, beautiful, meaningful moments. I know most of us parents have. And still do.
When I dropped my girl off for her first official driving lesson, I watched her long legs swing into the drivers seat of the car. At 5'10" now, she towers over me, this child of mine. While she adjusted the rear view mirror, I pretended to fumble with my console. Looking for nothing in particular...just stalling to catch a glimpse of my little girl driving off for the first time. I congratulated myself for not bringing my camera. But then quickly reprimanded myself for not finding a way to conceal my ipod so as to catch just a brief moment of this big event. When it appeared that it was going to take a while before she actually left the parking lot, I decided to not make a further spectacle of my nostalgic momminess and reluctantly left. Shaking my head that my once chunky-thighed little baby was now ready to take on the world. Well, at least the paved parts of it.
As the days of drivers-ed progressed, I grew more comfortable with the fact that life as we knew it was changing. Her lessons are still continuing and I'm coming to grips with this new era we're entering. It's weird. Watching your infant grow into adulthood. But it's amazing. And far more rewarding than my toughest days refuse to give credit for. It's absolutely hard work. I've cried more tears as a parent than I ever did as a hormonally confused teenage girl. But it's worth it. Watching my "little" girl grow into a young woman, on the cusp of setting out for her own journey; to create her own story in this book of life...I'm speechless.
And that says a lot for me.
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