"Deserving "

Before we even began our life together, Hubby and I talked at length about marriage and what our differing roles would look like within it. While we really were uncertain about many things, one thing we wholeheartedly agreed on: he would provide the financial funds for our family and I would stay at home to raise any future children we may be blessed with.
When we first wed, he was still a student and unable to have a job as well (school policy), so I was more than happy to work full time to provide for our very small family. Upon graduation he began full time work, and upon the birth of our first daughter, we reversed roles and  I began my life as a stay-at-home mom. In all honesty...it has worked out beautifully. I couldn't ask for more. I would choose it over and over and over again.
In recent years, life has shifted, and we have found ourselves evolving into a wider range of roles. Hubby has done a little more child-care, and I've done a little more contributing to the finances. Which is good...we actually chose it.
Today, for instance, I spent the morning cleaning the home of an acquaintance. After a few grueling hours of back-breaking scrubbing, dirty work I came back home. As I lugged vacuums, mops and supplies back into the house, it occurred to me how young I am not anymore, and how tired my body was. As I put things away, I handed the envelope containing the day's pay over to Hubby.
Now.
Can I just be raw for a minute?
As I released that money, I couldn't help but feel just a smidge selfish. All my hard, dirty and disgusting laboring...the reward of it just handed off in a split second. In all truth...I felt...deserving of that money. Like it was personally mine.
As I lathered up my sweaty body in the shower just moments later, I pondered the contents of my heart. I knew what I was feeling wasn't the proper perspective. But I couldn't shake it. (This flesh...no matter how clean I attempt to make it, it always finds a way to become filthy again.) And then it occurred to me: This is what my husband does...every day. He spends hours a day laboring over other people's mess; scrubbing toilets and cleaning showers...only to come home and trade his financial gain for food, shelter, and the comforts of life...for his children...and for me. Every. Single. Day.
How have I missed this before? I've failed to put myself in his shoes, to walk his journey and see from his perspective. Instead, I selfishly feel so deserving of a few measly hour's pay...how small my own little world is sometimes.
And it reminds me. Of how many times my perspective in my spiritual life is off. Of the times I shake my fist at God, trying to convince Him of how deserving I am. Of the circumstances in which I feel wronged or mistreated, when in all reality...He was keeping me from disaster, or offering me what's best rather than permitting me to settle for what's just "okay".
Perspective really is everything, is it not?
As I step out of the shower and dry off, I choose gratefulness. For a husband whom selflessly chooses to provide for his family. For the ability to work with my two hands and also help contribute to this family in a financial way. Thankful for a shift in perspective of how these human eyes and flesh sometimes see and feel about things. And for a God who refuses to allow me to grow comfortable with the selfish, ungrateful person I can be. He's always reckoning me to Himself...always chasing after me to offer me joy and beauty unimaginable...sprinkling my life continuously with blessings...even when I'm far less than deserving...