"Mama! Mama!'
It wasn't the usual "come-fix-my-blanket" or "I-have-to-go-pee" cry. No, this cry was a death-is-at-my-door announcement. My feet hit the floor, legs fumbling over themselves running to rescue my little boy in need. When I flew his bedroom door open, I found Chase tightly gripping onto his bed rail, eyes wide in terror staring at the wall beside him. Upon seeing me, he clawed at my body to vacate his bed. In a flurry of emotions and tears he hurled himself against my chest, sputtering continuously about an explosion and fire on his bedroom wall. I held his trembling body for a while and dried his tears, offering words of affirmation and consolation. Not fully convinced, he insisted I lay in his (very small) bed with him until he fell asleep. Obliging, I cradled him and he burrowed his head deep down into my chest. Safety found in a Mama's arms. While laying quietly alongside him, my own skin could feel the rapid pulse of his pounding heart. His respirations in near-hyperventilating rhythm, his breath quickly warmed the layered blankets of safety. I'd never seen my boy so overcome with fear. He was clinging tight to me, internally begging for peace in the midst of his storm.
Out of the two boys, Chase is my near-fearless one. With a broken leg at two-and-a-half years old, I'd seen him scared and in pain. But I'd also seen this boy chatty and laughing in the midst of that storm. He will be the first to leap face first, and decide where his landing point will be after. I adore that about him, although it leaves me in continuous panic mode at the same time. So, to see him in this extremely fearful condition was nothing short of heartbreaking. My tough little super-hero-boy had discovered his kryptonite. And it left him shaken and crippled.
While holding him in the dark of night, I couldn't help but parallel his experience to those of mine. (Life is funny like that. It has a way of repeating history, of re-teaching lessons, regardless of how old or mature we think we have become.) I've had moments in life like that - moments in which I'm crippled with fear. Where my faith falls short in comparison to the storm that lies in front of me. It's easy to know that God's in control and has a perfect plan, it's an entirely different thing to live that faith out. Truth is, we all have our kryptonite: that one, secret area of our lives that should it be touched, has the capability to bring us to our knees in brokenness. No one's immune, although some may have never had pressure placed on that one particular weakness. I have. I've been in that place...numerous times, in fact. And nothing makes you feel more naked and vulnerable than having your greatest fears exposed. Like a child, I've found myself curled up in the arms of God, begging for peace in the midst of the storm; seeking assurance that all will be okay. And though He always offers peace and assurance...I still plead for Him to assure me until the storm passes...and He always does.
As I lay there last night with my boy, I pondered these things. And I realized - that's why my heart feels such compassion for him in his vulnerable state: we're no different, this child and I. As he's growing and learning to trust that Mama will be there for him with protection and comfort...I'm still learning to trust that God will always be there for me with no less than what I would give my own child. ("Which of you, if your son asks for bread, would give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish will give him a snake? If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask Him!" - Matthew 7:9-11) My brain can't even wrap itself around more love than what I have for my children...yet HIS love is perfect and unfailing and unreservedly endless for me. And in those moments...in those storms where I grovel for peace...He holds me close and reminds, "I've already offered it to you." ("I will never leave you, nor forsake you." -Hebrews 13:5)
We humans. We grow physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually...yet we never fully leave our childhood ways. We doubt, we whine, we complain. We lose faith and we fear. And time and time again, God patiently steps in to embraces us in the midst of our fear and our lack of faith and offers hope...and reminds us that we are His. ("Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name; you are mine! When you pass through the water, I will be with you; And through the rivers, they will not overflow you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be scorched, nor will the flame burn you..." -Isaiah 43:1-2).
When I rest in this...when I fully rest in this...my own kryptonite seems so small.
"We can change....because He NEVER changes."
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