Lately our talks are consumed with all things "relationships". I leave our conversations every time more aware that her mind is processing more adult-like every day. (Although, the emotions are frequently still child-like. Which is normal. Everything will come in perfect time....) She sees and senses life around us like we do. She filters and processes. She feels and reacts. I'd be lying if I didn't admit that this one child of mine holds me to a level of accountability I never thought possible. She's keenly insightful, and holds nothing back. In her younger years, raising her was more about discipline and correction. These days it's more about teaching and training. And whole lot of communication. Openness and honesty...on both parts. And a whole lot of humility on mine.
We teach her to see the best in all people; to give everyone the benefit of the doubt. To remember that until you've walked in another's shoes, you aren't fully aware of their inner story. And for the most part, she gets it. As a bystander, I often see her first reactions to people and situations. And sometimes I cringe at her first thoughts expressed out in action or word. And I remind myself...she's not done growing yet. By far not done. (For that matter, am I? Shame on me if I perceive for one moment that I am.) As her Mama I just may be her toughest critic. But I'm also the first to pick her up when she falls, and encourage her to press on. That balance. Oh how painful it is sometimes.
This year at our church's Vacation Bible School, she has transitioned from student to helper. She was kinda bummed that she was officially too old to participate. When she came back home from the first day today, she had story after story to share. Which child buddied up to her, how the stickers were used frivolously in craft time, whom was misbehaving. I loved hearing her perspective. How we view people and circumstances speaks volumes of the condition of our hearts. And then I shared, in true Mama fashion, my perspective. She doesn't know that the girl whom she clashes with...her parents at this moment are privately on the brink of divorce. She isn't fully aware of the struggles the little boy whom she took under her wing today is going through while his Mama battles cancer. Or the woman whom is clumsy and inexperienced working with children...she doesn't know that her upbringing perhaps left her unable to relate well. Everyone has a story. As I gently remind her this I watch her soften. Her head quietly nods in agreement. And I'm reminded once again of the example I set. Am I kind enough? Do I show enough grace? Am I patient? Does my life live out Christ?
I'm always aware. My actions are being watched. Studied. Critiqued. Practiced. My once-baby-girl, now-turning-woman is looking to me to set the example. And not by words alone. Gone are the days where I can hide away my imperfections and flaws. She sees them. All of them. Yet she chooses to show me grace. (Do I as easily do the same?) I feel terribly inadequate as she glances on. Always room for improvement.
I'm amazed watching this process. This young person shifting her accountability from Mom and Dad over to God. In the not so distant future we will completely hand her over. It would be dishonest of me to not say that a part of me is fearful. Of the process, of the outcome. But I must admit I'm also enjoying and savoring. The adult conversations and teachable moments. The late-night chats while we right all the wrongs in her little world. The tears and hugs while we push our way through adolescent struggles. The forgiveness given and received. We'll make it through to the other side. (Hopefully with full sanity in tact. We shall see...) It's just crazy, this season of life. I knew it would come; I just never knew it would come so very soon. It's hard, it's humorous, it's exhausting. But as my giant baby girl ventures late at night into my bedroom and asks me to tuck her back into bed...I giggle inside and am glad that for now she's okay with sometimes being just my little girl.
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