"Thirteen"

It's official. Today Hubs and I became brand new parents in the whole realm of all things "teenager".

(Insert dramatic pause here.)

(And perhaps even another one here.)

I can honestly say I don't feel old enough to have a teenager. (Fourteen more months and we shall have two, in fact!) Sure, my body looks and feels old enough, but really. Time-wise, I'm certain thirteen years couldn't have possibly gone by yet. Perhaps we did the math wrong. I've checked and re-checked...and it's true. Our baby girl is a teenager.

It's bittersweet for me, really. This birthday was a big one. For her. And us. It's almost a right of passage, a marking of a new era. A coming of age.I just so happen to be an extremely sentimental person. And although it seems as though not much has changed just overnight, change has in fact been coming in the months leading up to. For me, at least. Mentally I've been finding myself in that phase of deep introspection again. (It just so happens from time to time.) Assessing. Re-assessing. Prioritizing. And I've come to the conclusion about a few things.

1. The longer I play this whole parenting game, the more I realize how little I know. How sparsely I have it all together. Some black and whites are now about thirty different shades of grey. I'm realizing I need to compromise a little more. About faith issues? Never. About my own personal preferences? Absolutely.
2. I suck...and I mean really suck at verbally encouraging my kids; and showing them the amount of affection they need. (It hurts to even type that.) Sure, my babies are easy when it comes to this. I can't keep my lips off these guys. But my girls...I fail miserably at remembering that their need is just as great. And verbally it seems as though correction, discipline and instruction are the only things that spew forth. I wholeheartedly agree with the statement "for every negative thing you say to a child you ought to have 10 positives". It's true. My heart knows, but my flesh forgets.
3. Balance is hard. Striving to be all things to all people within our home. I find it's always the squeaky wheels who get the grease. Which means Hubs is usually last on the list. Along with the less-needy child. Something I'm purposing to remedy. But let's face it...with seven people under one roof and this momma's human nature...someone is always in lack of my attention and affection. Being a mother, wife, housekeeper, nurse, cook, teacher (and the list could go on)...I struggle at balancing all the hats. It's hard. Dang hard.
4. I will never be perfect. Ever. Sometimes I need to bathe myself in grace and remember that. I can become so preoccupied with striving for perfection that I miss the most important things. I can be my own toughest critic with choices I make in parenting, my abilities (or lack thereof), my weaknesses, and with how I perceive myself. Improvement is always needed, but simply for the sake of improvement...not with the intent of perfection. Perfection is, after all, an illusion. No one really has it all together. Seriously. Some just take on a better appearance than others.

After a day of birthday celebration, we sent our kiddos up to bed. I left a card for my teenage daughter on her pillow. I carefully thought out each word and wrote it strictly from my heart. As I was hugging her goodnight, her arms around me got a little tighter. Her tears began flowing. I feared she was disappointed with her less-than-fanfare birthday. But she spoke seven simple words that melted my heart.
"I just love you mom. So much."
I so needed that. After a couple weeks of introspection, insecurities and doubt, I needed it so badly. In a matter of seconds God reminded me yet again, It's gonna be okay. My fears. My failures. The future. There's going to be struggle. There's going to be battles. I'll revisit this doubt and uncertainty. I'll question myself continually. My world just may be shaken up in the years to come.

But....It's gonna be okay.